Oh the joys of being a compulsive over eater/food addict. It is so easy to slip back into old habits and let your addiction take over you...which is exactly what I have let happen in the past 5 months. I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want, not paying attention to all the crap I've been putting in my body. My clothes have been getting tighter...I have some clothes in my closet that I can't even get into that were starting to get loose in the spring. I've easily gone up a size, maybe more. Every weekend it's been the same old story - eat like I want this weekend and I'll start back on Monday. Well, I've had 5 months of Mondays coming and going. That's what, 20 Mondays? 20 Mondays of starting off right, only to be binging on a bag of chips or cookies by the end of the day. I'm a grazer. The snack machine at work KILLS ME! Oh, but it's only one 65 cent bag of chips...once or twice a day...every day...watch the calories add up quickly! I've been eating everything in sight. I don't watch my portions, I don't exercise (I think I've been to the gym a whopping 5 times in the past 5 months...and that's being generous). No wonder the weight has creeped back on! I always wondered how I let myself get so huge. Well, here it is folks! I, unfortunately, am not one of those people who can eat anything and not have to worry about gaining weight. I can gain 5 pounds eating a crouton. I have to be extremely careful. I gain weight really easily, and very quickly. My husband and I can eat the same amount of junk food and he'll gain 1 pound while I'll gain 10. I wish I were exaggerating. It is a daily struggle, and I've gotten to the point where food has once again consumed me. I was living a full, healthy, active life 6 months ago. Today I'm living a lazy life where I think about food 24/7. And to top it all off, it's the Holiday season. The WORST time of year for someone with an eating disorder!
I've been watching my weight creep up slowly for the past few months, riding the weight roller coaster with a few weeks here and there of healthy eating. But for every week I spend eating healthy, I spend 3 or 4 eating like crap. So the weight I lose comes right back on and then some. Hmmm, I think I've heard this story before. So today I faced the scale and was shocked by the fact that I've gained nearly 30 pounds since I got married. WHOA!!!!! That's a bit eye-opening! Now I can sugar-coat this weight gain by saying that I gained a few pounds just before the wedding and I went off birth control which caused me to gain 10 pounds and of course at least 10 pounds of this gain is water weight. Well, when you put it that way it isn't so bad, is it? WRONG! Get a grip Ade and stop making excuses! Whatever the reason, whatever the time frame, the fact is that I am 30 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. 30 pounds farther from my goal. I at one point was within 20 pounds of my goal weight. Now I am 50 pounds away. And you know what? I worked my ASS off to lose those 30 pounds and now I have to lose them again! What a waste of energy!
But I can't beat myself up. What's done is done, and if I harp on the fact that I let myself go for a few months, then I'll eat myself into depression and I'll be back where I started and heavier. No, it's time to move forward. Forgive myself for being human and making mistakes, and get back on track. It will take DAILY COMMITMENT, maybe even more. Every meal I have to stop and THINK. And I am holding myself accountable by keeping a food log and blogging at least once a week. I know I can do this, and I have family, friends, and a wonderful husband to support me.
Here's to a healthy new beginning!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
You can do this, Ade! Look how far you have come over the past couple of years! Everybody has their slip-ups, and I'm glad that you are going to nip it in the butt now! We are always here for you to give you advice/tips/kick in the butt/etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this is the perfect time to go back to the gym since it will be empty! :D
Girl, you are singing my song. I was just telling Ken, this weekend in fact, that I want to go back to Weight Watchers, which I am doing tonight. One day at a time, one meal at a time.
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