Oh the joys of being a compulsive over eater/food addict. It is so easy to slip back into old habits and let your addiction take over you...which is exactly what I have let happen in the past 5 months. I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want, not paying attention to all the crap I've been putting in my body. My clothes have been getting tighter...I have some clothes in my closet that I can't even get into that were starting to get loose in the spring. I've easily gone up a size, maybe more. Every weekend it's been the same old story - eat like I want this weekend and I'll start back on Monday. Well, I've had 5 months of Mondays coming and going. That's what, 20 Mondays? 20 Mondays of starting off right, only to be binging on a bag of chips or cookies by the end of the day. I'm a grazer. The snack machine at work KILLS ME! Oh, but it's only one 65 cent bag of chips...once or twice a day...every day...watch the calories add up quickly! I've been eating everything in sight. I don't watch my portions, I don't exercise (I think I've been to the gym a whopping 5 times in the past 5 months...and that's being generous). No wonder the weight has creeped back on! I always wondered how I let myself get so huge. Well, here it is folks! I, unfortunately, am not one of those people who can eat anything and not have to worry about gaining weight. I can gain 5 pounds eating a crouton. I have to be extremely careful. I gain weight really easily, and very quickly. My husband and I can eat the same amount of junk food and he'll gain 1 pound while I'll gain 10. I wish I were exaggerating. It is a daily struggle, and I've gotten to the point where food has once again consumed me. I was living a full, healthy, active life 6 months ago. Today I'm living a lazy life where I think about food 24/7. And to top it all off, it's the Holiday season. The WORST time of year for someone with an eating disorder!
I've been watching my weight creep up slowly for the past few months, riding the weight roller coaster with a few weeks here and there of healthy eating. But for every week I spend eating healthy, I spend 3 or 4 eating like crap. So the weight I lose comes right back on and then some. Hmmm, I think I've heard this story before. So today I faced the scale and was shocked by the fact that I've gained nearly 30 pounds since I got married. WHOA!!!!! That's a bit eye-opening! Now I can sugar-coat this weight gain by saying that I gained a few pounds just before the wedding and I went off birth control which caused me to gain 10 pounds and of course at least 10 pounds of this gain is water weight. Well, when you put it that way it isn't so bad, is it? WRONG! Get a grip Ade and stop making excuses! Whatever the reason, whatever the time frame, the fact is that I am 30 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. 30 pounds farther from my goal. I at one point was within 20 pounds of my goal weight. Now I am 50 pounds away. And you know what? I worked my ASS off to lose those 30 pounds and now I have to lose them again! What a waste of energy!
But I can't beat myself up. What's done is done, and if I harp on the fact that I let myself go for a few months, then I'll eat myself into depression and I'll be back where I started and heavier. No, it's time to move forward. Forgive myself for being human and making mistakes, and get back on track. It will take DAILY COMMITMENT, maybe even more. Every meal I have to stop and THINK. And I am holding myself accountable by keeping a food log and blogging at least once a week. I know I can do this, and I have family, friends, and a wonderful husband to support me.
Here's to a healthy new beginning!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
I'm BAAAAACK!!
Well it's been quite a while since I've blogged, hasn't it? This past year has been whirlwind for sure! Let's see...school was a hell of a crappy year, got a new kitten, I got engaged, and I GOT MARRIED! WHAT?!?!? Yes folks, the eternal bachelorette is spoken for for all eternity. I married the sweetest, most caring, funniest, GEEKIEST man in the world. He is absolutely AMAZING and more than I could have ever asked for. I never thought I'd find a man so wonderful to spend my life with. And surely never thought it would be that football/trumpet player/chemistry & math geek from high school. But, God always has a plan and this was His for us. Yup, I'll say life is pretty darn good right now. :)
Ok, you can put your barf bags away now. I'm just eternally, sickeningly happy so DEALT WITH IT! ;) Anyway, the reason I'm back in the blogging world is, well, despite all my glowing sunshine I have fallen off the weight loss wagon big time. For about 4 months now I've been eating what I want, when I want, and (as much as my lap band allows me) how much I want. I've spiraled out of control and back into my old bad eating habits. Emotional eating, why hello old friend! Nice to see you again! Who needs to deal with real life when you have FOOD?! Yes, that's been me lately. Stress + food = weight gain. No bones about it. Not good.
I think a big part of the reason why I've slipped back into my old habits is the comfort factor. Last year I got to a point where my body was comfortable with where it was. I could shop in regular stores and do all the things that normal people can do. I was running and exercising and feeling really good about myself. Somewhere along the way, the exercise dwindled, the running shoes got buried in the back of my closet, and I stopped watching what I was eating. I do think I generally make healthier choices than I used to, but those old habits creep up on you. First it's an ice cream treat, then a trip to Sheetz, and before you know it your pantry is stocked with chips and cookies and you're eating out every other night. I saw some of the signs, but I chose to ignore them because I had other things to deal with. As the wedding got closer, I gave up entirely and said to hell with it, I'll get back on the wagon after the wedding.
Well, a month after the wedding I still wasn't back on the wagon and 4 pounds heavier than on my wedding day. What gives? I had excuse after excuse after bloody lousy excuse. So this week I kicked my excuses to the curb, started a lap band "reset" diet, and am on my way back. Eating healthier right now is a whole lot harder than eating junk, since that's the way I've been eating for so long. BUT, I have faith that I will get back to the point where I craved healthy food and exercise.
So what have I learned from all this? Setbacks happen. At some point, we all ease back into our old lazy eating habits and weight loss slows down or we have a gain. But you've just gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. No wallowing in past mistakes. Take a moment to forgive yourself and get back on track. It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple.
Another thing that keeps me from going completely crazy is looking back at how far I've come. Two years ago I was almost 160 pounds heavier. I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. Forget being active. I had all sorts of health problems, and was tired all the time. I still look in the mirror and wonder who I'm looking at. In my wedding pictures, I looked like a normal-sized person! I still have trouble accepting that...but that's another blog entry.
Till next time.
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” - Mary Pickford
Ok, you can put your barf bags away now. I'm just eternally, sickeningly happy so DEALT WITH IT! ;) Anyway, the reason I'm back in the blogging world is, well, despite all my glowing sunshine I have fallen off the weight loss wagon big time. For about 4 months now I've been eating what I want, when I want, and (as much as my lap band allows me) how much I want. I've spiraled out of control and back into my old bad eating habits. Emotional eating, why hello old friend! Nice to see you again! Who needs to deal with real life when you have FOOD?! Yes, that's been me lately. Stress + food = weight gain. No bones about it. Not good.
I think a big part of the reason why I've slipped back into my old habits is the comfort factor. Last year I got to a point where my body was comfortable with where it was. I could shop in regular stores and do all the things that normal people can do. I was running and exercising and feeling really good about myself. Somewhere along the way, the exercise dwindled, the running shoes got buried in the back of my closet, and I stopped watching what I was eating. I do think I generally make healthier choices than I used to, but those old habits creep up on you. First it's an ice cream treat, then a trip to Sheetz, and before you know it your pantry is stocked with chips and cookies and you're eating out every other night. I saw some of the signs, but I chose to ignore them because I had other things to deal with. As the wedding got closer, I gave up entirely and said to hell with it, I'll get back on the wagon after the wedding.
Well, a month after the wedding I still wasn't back on the wagon and 4 pounds heavier than on my wedding day. What gives? I had excuse after excuse after bloody lousy excuse. So this week I kicked my excuses to the curb, started a lap band "reset" diet, and am on my way back. Eating healthier right now is a whole lot harder than eating junk, since that's the way I've been eating for so long. BUT, I have faith that I will get back to the point where I craved healthy food and exercise.
So what have I learned from all this? Setbacks happen. At some point, we all ease back into our old lazy eating habits and weight loss slows down or we have a gain. But you've just gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. No wallowing in past mistakes. Take a moment to forgive yourself and get back on track. It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple.
Another thing that keeps me from going completely crazy is looking back at how far I've come. Two years ago I was almost 160 pounds heavier. I couldn't walk without getting out of breath. Forget being active. I had all sorts of health problems, and was tired all the time. I still look in the mirror and wonder who I'm looking at. In my wedding pictures, I looked like a normal-sized person! I still have trouble accepting that...but that's another blog entry.
Till next time.
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” - Mary Pickford
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